Friday, January 05, 2007
Personality Effects Decisions
I love school. I love knowing that I've learned things that will help me in the future and that I have worked hard and achieved the goals that I started. Sometimes, though, it is very difficult to choose between doing things you love to do or things that you know you need to. For instance, it is hard knowing when and what I can start committing to in the ministry. I know that I will always be actively living as an evangelist even if I am not currently connected to an organization. I cannot, however, live without other believers backing me up, teaching and correcting me, and helping me to stay accountable. Any Christian that thinks he or she can have obviously never understood what 'forsake not the gathering of the brethren' means or why the early church spent so much time supping together in one accord sharing all they had. Why do the growing churches today insist on members becoming part of a life group/home group/Bible study? Because they see the importance of people building up people in the Lord. It isn't strictly the Pastor's job to collect wandering sheep and steer them down the straight and narrow. It is irresponsible of your faith to not be accountable.
The personality that God has given me is one that has two sides. On one hand I am a person with very high standards and almost a perfectionist attitude. I expect the best out of myself and when I fail I have a very hard time letting it go, forgiving myself, and moving on. This creates a critical attitude in me towards myself and others, which in turn makes me even more upset at myself. How can you think such thoughts towards them?! They're your brothers and sisters in the Lord! I also become withdrawn and fearful of others. What would they think of me if they knew that (I'm not perfect) failed! It is easier to stay away from people that might hurt you. Easier, yes, but not what God wants. On the other hand, I am a people 'pleaser' and lover. I hate having anyone at odds with me or thinking bad of me. This can be quite difficult when needing to share the gospel, but never knowing how someone will react to it.
I also struggle between controlling my life and giving it to God. I am afraid of failing or of having others think that I have failed. This has a lot to do with the way I react when I've fail. I am scared to strike out and do what I know is in me and what drives my interest and dreams. One thing I do know, in all of this muddling, is that God loves me. No matter how many times I 'fail' he will never stop working on my heart. Thank you for putting up with my babbling.
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6 comments:
I feel you 100%...and I'm sure you know that.
I have always sorta felt that if I didn't speak, post, e-mail....that I wouldn't really have to be held accountable for who I was, because nobody was doing it in person. So there is no way for me to ever hide my insecurities, or the moments I've been weak, they are on the web and in the memories of my friends.
However, there is also more than enough evidence of God's transforming my life and changing my heart as well, it cannot be denied either, because there is testimony concerning that as well.
This was a thought out post, written at a time of moderate emotional happiness, but a time of humble submission to God's ownership of you and unique plan for your identity in Him. You post more carefully, for different reasons.....over time, my postings will become more of what they should be, as will I, but I understand the proccess of striving and forgiveness, without it...I wouldn't move more than one or two steps a year, perhaps at church camp or the new years.
Perhaps these things you've described are more or less common to all people who really do want to live in Christ, but are still living as creatures tainted by flesh, but I know that you and I fight the same fights, are Loved through the same struggles.
Thank you for the post.
Sorry if my words seem disconnected or unclear.
Nathan Wesly
Have you read my post "What if I Asked You a Question?" yet. Was it alright?
I haven't yet 'cause I can't access Xanga from the computers here at school. I'll try to remember to do it at home before I leave for work. I like being busy, but I also like time off. Grrrr.. next quarter I have to be up at six or earlier if I want to have my half hour of peacefulness with God. I hope you are not going crazy with work. =)
I need to write you an e-mail tomorrow!!
It's really good to be here, seeing you.....remembering myself, remembering who is on the other end of the phone, from what character the characters are formed in the e-mails I receive.
When I use such big term's like "4 years" I must remember that there Winter's and Summer's and for all I know everything will change before that time. But for now, I'll just enjoy this time here, and the walks and talks we are fortunate enough to have been blessed with.
In light of our conversations I must clarify.
I'm glad to be reminded of the influences, located here, that have helped stabalize my life from when it was previously spinning out of control. This includes your entire (older portion) family and CLC in general, not just you, as the previous message fails to address.
I'm glad to spend time with many people, and that includes you, but is by no means limited to walks or talks with you.
Right? Of course Right!!
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